I’m just using this time to reflect on today. So many problems with today. I’m so glad its almost over. I’m irritated, pissed, sad, and any other negative emotion. Work sucks, weather is gloomy, heart is cold. I hope I wake up from this nightmare and find out I was just in a dream. Heavy eyes, heavier heart, fighting urges to talk to you so you can have your space. I want to fight for what I love yet if I love it enough, it will take care of itself. Fuck, my head hurts. Back hurts, head aches, eyes burning, please…let this day end.
i can’t help but touch your face on my phone. i can’t help but pretend to text you and delete all the information because i don’t want to bother you. i can’t help but long to hear your voice. i can’t help but wait to feel for your touch. i can’t help but feel this way. yet, my heart is broken because i don’t know what i did wrong. i can’t help but feel that what i said altered your thoughts towards me. i can’t help but hurt. my head hurts. my body hurts. my heart hurts. i wish i didn’t have work today. what a bad day to feel this way. raining and such.
i can’t help but love you. what happened to taking this relationship day by day?
p.s. yes, i deactivated my facebook.
Where do I begin? 4:10am and I wish I just didn’t know what was going on. 4:11am and I’m blasting my music. Thank God my room is in the corner of the house. Music really does soothe the soul doesn’t it? Arteries and veins filled with fire right now. Nerves, uneasy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. 4:12am My mom just came in the room to tell me to turn down my music. OK. Maybe my room isn’t invincible. “Knocked down round for round. You’re feeling like you’re shot down on the ground. When will the fantasy end, When will the heaven begin.”
The comforting texts of a friend fill my inbox. Texts that keep me sane. Texts that help me feel as if, “OK. Maybe I’m not feeling stupid for getting angry.” Texts from one great friend and texts from another that I met through my ukulele skills 🙂 Why? Why do I feel this way? Is it because I care too much for you? Is it because the jealous side of me is coming out? Is it because I don’t trust you? Or maybe it’s because I love you too much to let this one slide. Maybe it’s the fact that I offered to help and yet, I wasn’t a resort at all.
I’m off on an adventure
Nothing is set in stone quite yet but the thought of it led me to this bed of tears. Yes. A grown man. Crying. Why? Because one of the most prominent figures in his life could be leaving. A year ago, whodda thunk we’d be together? Your face is plastered all over my phone. The thought of you courses through my brain even when I’m most inebriated. In previous relationships, I would find a way to get back at you. Find a way to make you feel the way I do. But this is different. You’re different. Here we were, a blank canvas with bright colors to paint with, leaving the darker colors towards the back of the studio because we don’t want to use them. But today, the dark colors are here. We painted our relationship with laughter and joy and here I am signing my name at the bottom in the darkest color in my arsenal of colors. An unfinished piece with so much potential, put on hold because the artists decided they couldn’t continue quite yet. Someday, I’ll hope to come back to this painting. To come back to you.
I’m trying to get my Ruckus ready for this weekend’s Super Sunday ride w/ 100+ Rucksters coming in from all over the country.
from yours truly and the boys at TGK @JonTea @TGK_Renardp07